The past simple
Gillian has died, said my father’s voice in my ear.
That can’t be right. If she’s dead—gone—not here—
there is no Gillian, so how can she have died? Gillian
died. I’ll use the past simple. It’s simple.
She was here. Now she’s not. But who
died? The woman on the phone from hospital
who called me her child but couldn’t remember what I’d said?
The grandmother whose last visit made me angry
because she didn’t see her grandchildren, couldn’t organise
(couldn’t, I realise now) to bring herself and my father
to an unfamiliar venue? The woman whose eyes,
when I got to her bedside, didn’t light up?
I’d come too late. I tried to call her Mummy,
trying to remember what having a mummy was like,
trying to feel like someone losing a mummy
Oh, I don’t want to write that selfish kind of stuff!
She’d been my mother for a while
She’d been a wife, too, done all the wife things
But lying in that bed she was simply Gillian
By then she could barely speak, couldn’t tell us
what it was like to be Gillian
The nurse who returned my call had termed her impulsive
She’d try to get up, fall; it took two
carers to—
but now she lay quietly
waiting to die
except when I offered her a peeled banana
She grabbed it with her controllable hand, bit it lustily
and when my father, after much urging, asked, Do you want a kiss?
she said, Of course!
but he couldn’t see who it was he was kissing
At the pub he’d told his buddy, She’s not my Gillian
He thought she wasn’t herself
but she was—of course
she was
Jackson (they/them), now living in Aotearoa, is known across Australia as a poet and performer, and founded Perth Poetry Club. They have published four full-length collections. The latest, A coat of ashes (Recent Work Press), is based on their award-winning PhD, which explores how poetry can bring together scientific and spiritual discourses, focusing on physics, systems theory and philosophical Daoism. They are currently exploring more personal material. They have won two poetry prizes and nomination for Best of the Net. Their poems appear in Australian, New Zealand and overseas journals and anthologies. They publish online at writerjackson.com. facebook.com/writerjackson Instagram: @thewriterjackson
